“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”
Proverbs 27:17 (NLT)
When life begins to fall apart. All the little challenges, frustrations, and disappointments begin to build. When you feel stuck and don’t know what to do. Where do you turn?
Our first port of call is and should always be Jesus. But even when we’ve prayed about it and heard God’s voice on the matter, we often still turn to a friend or family member for counsel and advice. On the other hand, sometimes we talk to a friend just to get someone on our side, validate that we’re right, or help us feel like we’re not alone and that someone is fighting this battle with me.
We often turn to friends and family because we either don’t know where else to turn, we don’t have the money to seek professional help, or we don’t think that what we’re going through warrants talking to a counsellor. So if you’re a listening friend that people come to, then I’ve got a few pointers to help you be more effective in your helping relationship and manage the emotional toll that it can take on you.
1. Remain objective and speak the truth in love. When we love and care for someone, we often want to take their side, jump on their bandwagon, and agree with what they’re saying. We need to take a step back and remain objective because their perspective might not be the reality of the situation. If you see something they don’t, dare to speak the truth in love. It might just be the perspective shift they need to bring freedom. Listen to the Lord and don’t lean on your own understanding.
2. Keep your stories short. This is not your opportunity to share like-experiences and commiserate together. If you need to share a personal story as an example of what you’re saying or impart hope and a breakthrough, do so but remember to keep it short and focused and share only the applicable parts. If we make our stories too long, it can feel like we’re not listening and make it more about us than them.
3. Put on your fluffy slippers. If you tend to be a straight shooter and one that doesn’t beat around the bush, then this one’s for you. Regardless of our opinions, beliefs, or perspectives, a person’s heart is a sacred place. It’s not the place for steel-capped boots that trod on and trample everything they pass. It’s the place for soft, gentle fluffy slippers that walk with empathy and respect.
4. Ask questions. Not the rapid-fire kind like in an interrogation, but the ones that lead to revelation. We all have blind spots, but instead of telling them what it is, you could ask them, “do you think….. could be something?” The most effective realizations are the ones we come to on our own, often through a friend’s question and the revelation of the Holy Spirit.
5. Know your responsibility. It’s not your responsibility to solve their problems and help them feel better; it’s theirs. It’s your responsibility to be a listening, caring, and objective friend that points them back to Jesus because He is the one that can solve problems, heal hearts, and give wisdom. A great question to ask could be, “what would you tell someone in the same situation as you?” By distancing themselves from the situation, they can see more objectively, empowering them to problem solve.
6. Strengths and resources. Being reminded of our strengths, resources, and what is in our control empowers us, brings hope, and helps build our capacity to handle what we’re facing. Instead of just saying, “you’re going to make it out of this.” Give evidence for why you believe that “you’re going to make it out of this because you are a person of integrity, you’re resourceful, and you remember that situation, if you made it through that, you can definitely make it through this.”
7. Let them do the legwork. As a society, we’re used to quick and instant everything, and sometimes that spills over to a helping relationship. It’s easier to talk to a friend and get an instant response without doing the legwork ourselves. If the same friends are turning to you over and over again without having done the legwork of talking to the Lord and doing what He said, then we’re encouraging them to become more dependant on us than God. If this is the case, perhaps your first question should be, “have you spoken to the Lord about this?” if yes, then “have you done what He said?” We always want to be there for people, but we can’t help people that aren’t willing to help themselves.
8. Let it go. Depending on the topic of conversation, it can weigh heavy on your heart and mind long after the conversation is over because you’re invested in your friend and empathise with what they’re experiencing. If we carry these things in our hearts, they will weigh us down. Take a moment to pray for your friend and release them and the situation to the Lord and express your absolute trust and confidence in Him. Worship Him for who He is and what He’s able to do.
9. Know your limits. Sometimes the help a friend needs is just beyond what you’re able to give. It doesn’t mean their struggle so big, or you’re failing as a friend. It just means that they need someone who has a little more skill, experience, or victory in that area. In that case, encourage them to see a counsellor, pastor, or even one of your church leaders who have life experience and victory in that area.
10. Manage your capacity. With so much uncertainty and change in the world, many of us are operating with a diminished emotional capacity. These things take a toll on us, whether we realise it or not. It’s ok to say no, to not be there for everyone all the time, and to take some time to intentionally restore your soul.
PAUSE – PRAY – PROGRESS
- How well do you do with boundaries in a friendship? Do you tend to get enmeshed in their lives and struggles, or can you stay objective?
- What is your current spiritual and emotional capacity looking like? If your capacity was a glass, how full would it be? If it’s not overflowing, there’s no condemnation, just an invitation to sit at the feet of Jesus and get into His word.
- What was the last thing the Lord spoke to your heart, and have you done it?